I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
