I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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