Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
someone owes me an orgasm
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
