just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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