if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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