I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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