It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
