capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
