i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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