i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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