you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
