i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
