just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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