I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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