So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize