idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
