I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Randomize
