She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
