Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
