He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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