how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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