Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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