clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
