my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize