The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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