4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize