my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
