I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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