i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
