I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
