At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
