I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
