so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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