He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
