I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You took a bar mat shot.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
