everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
