Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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