i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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