The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Randomize
