Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
