i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
did i walk over a car last night?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
