Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
