You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
