i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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