I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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