There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize