i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
