you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I think i got beer on your cat.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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