the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
