what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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