I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
