I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
