Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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