i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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