My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
