I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
